Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now