Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I have so many questions.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.