Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”