Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Customize Your Wedding.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”