Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.