Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
#Caturday
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot