Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
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Ah yes. The three genders
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
How to walk around a museum
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”