Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.