Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.