Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
This guy’s not having it 😆
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”