Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Yep.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”