Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.