@LizHackett

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

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@WarrenHolstein

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@Storminika

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

@ginnyhogan_

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

@TheCiscoKidder

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

@TheCatWhisprer

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

@squirrel74wkgn

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

@SkylarGarland

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

@Sims_was_here

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk