Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.


“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool


Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.


Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you


Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.


*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*


*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol


“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)


My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk