Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
This is Sparta
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.