Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I just love that new Pope smell.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
When someone says you are so lazy
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?