Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”