Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
You Might Also Like
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
#SuperBowl
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing