Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Eat…
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
@ candidates for local office
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF