Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.