Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Damn he played himself
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”