Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down