NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
You Might Also Like
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*