@Tobi_Is_Fab
@joeljeffrey I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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@joeljeffrey okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
@OfficeLinebcker “If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
@hipstermermaid A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
@dlicj 
@3sunzzz Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
@girlfr0g a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
@KimmyMonte [Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
@Scorpio1080 Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
@mjkspeaks I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.