@Tobi_Is_Fab

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

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@joeljeffrey

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

@

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

@OfficeLinebcker

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

@hipstermermaid

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

@3sunzzz

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

@girlfr0g

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

@KimmyMonte

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

@mjkspeaks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.