Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having