nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Candles never taste the way they smell
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”