nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
You Might Also Like
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Still cracks me up
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater