Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If only
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .