Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
🚲+physics = winner
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”