Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.