nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
seriously you guys
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.