Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
How to wake up a Beagle
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
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