Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Only Americans understand
mentally somewhere in italy
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
2022 be like
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
😎 🍻
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.