Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.