Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time