nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You Might Also Like
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.