Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag