“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.