Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.