Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

The old gods are rising again.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

WHO DID THIS?

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!