Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?