Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
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Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
the icebreaker
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.