Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
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A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
It’s an epidemic…
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”