Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
just responded to every text i haven鈥檛 replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn鈥檛 need to pay rent this month anyway.