Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password