Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.