nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I falcon love using swear birds
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now