Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I bet
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins