Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
You Might Also Like
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Another interesting #factupdates post!