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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.