[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
happy valentine’s day to me
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”