“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.