Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…