Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.


My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.


Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.


Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.


I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.


me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know


It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.


shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”