non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–


me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody


My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.


(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!


I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.


Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.


“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist


Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.


Me: Write it down.


I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.


Why the fuck would I want to “groom” MORE people into being gay when it’s already damn near impossible to get a brunch reservation in this town