@cellapaz

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

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@FormerHumorist

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@eleniZarro

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

@bewgtweets

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

@VerbsRProudest

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@fillthevacuum

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

@EyalTweet

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

@Tmoney68

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

@RandyRainbow

Why the fuck would I want to “groom” MORE people into being gay when it’s already damn near impossible to get a brunch reservation in this town