non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle